Genesis...

2005-08-11T05:27:00.000+08:00

Winter Rainbow

bloggin again.. naturally.. :)

2005-08-11T04:00:00.000+08:00

succumbing to the public clamor for me to put a post a blog here again... ( the clamor includes my CCT trainer and only him... ICE...), i am now here again to bare my twisted soul to the world....

although i have promised in my last blog that i will try to put a post here created by a sober mind... it just didn't seem fun that way. so here i am again... typing away half-drunk. ;D

first things first... how are my loyal readers.. lol as if there are any.. :) (well, at least i think my sister is reading this... sort of keeping tabs on me.. yuck.... :) )

ok... now for the the issue at hand... FRENDSTER'S BLOG...
i find it totally annoying when i open my inbox to find hundreds of emails notifying me of my frend's that have updated their blog in frendster... aside from the fact that i have to delete each and every one of them... i find it cheap and presumptious... note: i am not saying these people are that... it's just that frendster makes it that way.... imagine this, you receive an email about a person who has updated his blog each and every time they update their blog... LIKE I GIVE A SHIT!!! the idea of blog is for the person to write something, anything, and everything, the number of readers not withstanding.... me? i couldn't care less if no one read my blogs... as long as i can write what i wanna write... i don' t need the satisfaction of having millions of people reading my blog... i don't need my egoto be stroked just to give it motivation to write some more... i am not blaming these people who post in their blogs regularly, in fact, i admire them... i just find it distasteful the way "FRENDSTER" advertises these blog updates to each and every one on their frend list... if i could kill for each email about a blog update in frendster, i'd run out of people to kill... but enough of that... :)

interestingly, it is nice to get feedback for one's efforts in blogging.. :) i hope my trainer won't mind me putting his feedback here.. :)

"I've also had the chance to see this guy's blog. I could honestly say that he's a better blogger than I am, although he doesnt post too much. (Dude, your last post was way back last year, c'mon...)" -ICE

ahhhh... a moment of pleasure.. :) not that i am yearning for recognition but it just feels great to have my efforts at writing, as well as getting liver cirrhosis, vindicated and justified by such
a short but ultimately sweet comment.. :) thanks a lot ice. :) you gave me the drive to further drink myself to oblivion and start posting here again.. :) now if you can only sponsor my beer..:)

it is now four -fuckin- am in the mornin... i have work tomorrow and i do not relish the fact that i will be forcin myself out of bed... so my readers... adieu... till next time.. :)

2004-08-17T01:49:00.000+08:00

trapped...

when is enough enough?

2004-08-17T00:02:00.000+08:00

note: this the fourth installment of "drunken musings". this would have to be the last post that this blogger would be making of this nature for some time. 1st reason why: to let his liver have a break at processing all the ethyl alcohol that has been coursin through his veins for the past week... honestly, after subjecting my liver to Hepa seven years ago..., it is not in tiptop condition... fearing liver cirrhosis and worse... liver cancer... this will be his last alcohol-induced post until the next time he goes on another alcohol binge... which will be sooner than expected.. :) 2nd reason why: the blogger would like to descend from the uninhibited euphoria induced by alcohol to at least post a blog free of typos and inanitites.. :) 3rd reason: the blogger would like to actually want to reread his post after publishing it. unlike the previous 3 posts which the blogger does not even want to read fro fear of reading a disaster of a composition: :) 4th and last reason: the blogger would like to desist from the recurrent theme of his past "woozy" blogs, which has been about "groans in disgust..." love and all the shit it entails... i'm sick of it.. i know you guys are sick of it... so FUCK IT! :) again, i have 3 cans worth in me... still Strong Ice beer... point to consider: it doesn't taste as bad if you chugged it down real fast. it has to be ice-cold though. :) as well as having something to munch as well... DAMN BUT I MISS HAVING THE MUNCHIES.. :) it's also good to have a pack of cigs to help the writing along.. :) so enough about this and on with it.. :)
when would you know if enough is enough? when would one stop the efforts of trying to like someone and making her like you too? i have never been the one to try to please everyone just to earn their approval... if they like me... GREAT! if they don't... FUCK THEM!!! as if i give a shit... but damned if i don't swallow my own words when i meet someone i REALLY LIKE... unwittingly, unconsciously, unwillingly... i begin to present a facade... why do i do it? the fuck i know why... i guess you could say i was putting my best foot forward as well as wearing my heart on my sleeve... SHIT! it's stupid... i know...but i can't help it... that's the bullshit about having to like someone... you put up a facade.. a front... a fucking fake persona... just to make that person like you... and honestlty... it's tiring... i know i have to be myself but when one is in that situation... HELL AND DAMNATION!! but i just can't be myself... frustratingly, i hide behind a wall meant to attact but as fake as a mask... well.. not really fake.. more like a well-chosen arsenal of traits one really has meant to impress without the bad... the scum of one's personality has been scraped clean... presenting an entity culled of imperfections... honestly... i don't like it... i hate it... in fact i detest it.. abhor it even... this cruel impressionistic bullshit... but ironically... i can't help it... a primordial instinct drives me to compel someone to like me as much as i like her... it's fucked up...
can't the bullshit just stop? honestly? can't it??? if no one has these set of criterias, wouldn't i be free of trying to fit in with those requirement? i lose myself in trying to be someone worth her love... and i end up fucked up and lost in the process... does a chameleon ever wish the world was just one plain color so that he wouldn't have to change his own colors?? to just be like everything else... with out a care in the world whether he is different? whether he fits in or not??
i see people around me... i know these people... thay are friends... individuals i have known for years... i can read them like the back of my hand... yet they change their colors... subtly... but i can still see it... they fake it... when with other people they change... imperceptible... almost... but i see it... and i guess they also see me shift hues... it's sad... i can feel my skin crawling in disdain and contempt... but i'm a victim to this too... i change... i put my "best" foot forward as well...
who am i? what am i? WHICH AM I??? when will i be free of it? this fraudulent social need for peer approval? when will i be free of wanting someone ti understand be and liking me? when will i disprove that "no man is an island?" when will i stop hiding behind a flimsy armor of superficialness?
FUCK THE FAKERS!!! MAY THEY DIE AND ROT!!! and may they be reborn thus realizing who they truly are... real, non-styreotypical , unique individuals who lives as they want to, who are who they are... one who is truly free... free from everything... free of the trappings of mortal restrictions... free to fly away... uncaring... guiltless... unconfined... FREE....

2004-08-16T03:28:00.000+08:00

J? N? JN?

love kills... 2nd rewriting...

2004-08-16T02:01:00.000+08:00

note: FUCK THE FUCKIN PHILIPPINES AND ALL ITS BUREACRATICAL BULLSHIT CORRUPT-AS-HELL FUCKIN MEMBERS!!! MAY HELL'S SOVEREIGN FIND A RIGHTFUL PLACE IN THE ETERNAL FIERY PITS OF HADES FOR THEIR SOULS TO ROAST IN!!! god damn it! i was almost done with my first paragraph when this freak electric blackout which lasted for a mere two fucking seconds restarted my PC... it's at these times that i wish i had a UPS. anyway, i'm through 3 can's of San Mig Strong Ice... i tried switchin brands just for variety... i still have to decide which is better... Red Horse or Strong Ice... Red Horse taste better but is less potent than Strong Ice which by the way taste like shit.... not that i've really tried tasting it.. :) i'm down to my last cig so please have patience with an half-intoxicated (the buzz is starting to wear off...) nicotine-deficient blogger... :)

GOD DAMN IT TO HELL!!! how can one be so fucked up?!? honestly... can't being human be amy simpler??? let me share the details... there are three characters involved... the first one: let's call her J... i met J around a month ago... through a charitable foundation called T.C. does she have a faca that could launch a thousand ships or what?? well, at least my own ships anyway... :) she was beautiful... and she knows it... tall, slim, clear, glowing complexion... elegant... poised... demure... the epitome of a lady... and i was not immune to her charms... enter 2nd character: let's call her N. met her through a friend. had dinner, got dessert, then went for a nightcap... it wasn't a date though... there were other people... they were just old classmates having a get-together and i was just there to complete the group. let me use a quote from N, "First impressions never last..." and it sure was applicable as hell to me... :) initital impression: let's just threat of castration wouldn't make me be interested in her.. :) but as the night went on... after several hours of bonding mixed with liberal amounts of foods, a sugar-high, and a few shots... i have changed my opinion... realistically, she was pretty... nice smile, sexy too... and did she smell great... funny... smart... interesting... mentally stimulating... down-to-earth... with a backbone thrown into the package... third and last character: let's call her JN... a friend's brother's friend's friend... she was far from being the ideal image of a woman... she smokes... hard-headed... opinionated... domineering... a face that could mostly be described as pleasantly plain... a figure that could be put to great use as a pillow... but was she smart as hell... she is one of the very few persons that i could honestly say could match my convoluted mental processes... maybe even surpass it... frankly, it was somewhat refreshing to be able to converse with a being without pre-filtering and thus simplifying my thoughts before i speak... it was a gem of a conversation...

obviously, i like these three ladies... each for her own unique personality and characteristics... J, because she was an angel among mortals... N for for spontaneious, effervescent, well-rounded personality as well as being a dusky beauty... JN for her mind that i could easily and willingly get entangled in... but for each pro there is a con... J... i could be content staring at her surreal beauty all day long... if i was able to shut my mind down... but i seek more from her... not just mere beauty... i seek chemistry... connection deeper and more substantial than mere physical attraction... and so that is what i have been doing... painfully... excruciatingly... slowly... i want to go beyond the skin-deep attraction i have with her... but i seriously have doubts about it... but with N... we hit it off really well after a slow start... she was a free spirit... mercuric... bubbly... anything goes kinda girl... sporty... well-read... adventurous... independent... mature yet immature... a conundrum of complexities... and i like her... but there's a catch... she is not Chinese... let me first say that i am not racist in any way... nor do i have this racial superiority complex... i'm just aware of the realities of interacial marriage... it's hard... for the lovers involved... for the both families... for friends... extended relatives and society... as well as the children to be born... honestly, i wouldn't mind having an interacial relationship as long as it was truly worth the effort... meaning she has to be more than a few notches better than the average... and honestly... N is above the average... lastly... there's JN. i have a theory that to make love last there has to be a common, stable ground between two individuals where they could start to lay the foundations of their relationship... the bigger the area of commonality the bigger the area of foundation. ergo, the more stable the relationship. and for me... nothing has a greater scope of coverage than the mind... and her mind was a place i could get lost in... a complex individual who is not afraid of sharing her thoughts as well as opinions.. she could be a good match... punch for punch... jab for jab... but is it enough...? i would be a liar if i was to say that i do not give significance to the aesthestic qualities of a person... i do... that's always the first thing that catches my eye... but that is not the only criterion involved in the selection... will a mind of boundless possibilities be enough? i don't know... maybe... hopefully...

3 women... different personalities... but i like them each for the qualities that they have... confusing? yes... frustrating? most definitely... insanely exhausting? absolutely... why can'y there be someone who could have all of these qualities in one person? can i just be the new Dr. Frankenstien thus creating for myself an amalgam of these three personalities fused into a face and body of a goddess? can't i just find the perfect woman? i guess not... i jusy have to look for a woman that completes me and that i complete... each half making a whole...

2004-08-15T22:28:00.000+08:00

a jumper for life...

drunken musings of a romantic mind...

2004-08-14T01:12:00.000+08:00

note: in difference to the 1st installment, the author will be making only this first and last side comment in this post... :) so just imagine me while i type this... relighting cigs... gulping colt 45's, tapping the ash into my pringles ash tray, editing typos as best as i can.. :) now on with the writing.. :) btw, 3 cans quota tonight. :)

(alternate title: love and its excruciating process from a guy's point of view) :)

god damn it!!! falling in love is hard... rather, the process is... take me for example... i meet a really nice girl... i try to get to know her... i start to like her... i get to know her a bit more... and i'l be damned but i like what i see... (AAAWWWOUCH!!! i stuck my finger in the fan.. sob... sob.. sob.. :) it hurst...) she inpires me... she makes me feel alive... guess what... i think i'm startin to fall in love... :) well... fuck that shit! it's hard! i've never been a person to master the courtin process. all my present life, i've been a fumbling idiot at it... the first time for me... know what i did? i followed this girl all over school... stalking her... honestly, i don't even know what i was doing... i juz did what i felt like i was doing... that stunt got me a very vocal repimand from my disciplinarian... and as a result, i get to stand in one place for an hour for punishment... gaad... can't a guy stalk in peace.. :D that was in grade school... the next one was an improvement... 2nd yr HS... i liked this girl.... know what i did... i wrote a very mushy love letter on a stationery i chose specifically fot that purpose extolling all my love for her and asking her if i can be her date for this party... reply: she was too young for a relationship, we'd be better off as friends... ok... that hurt... 2 weeks later... goddamnit but she had a new beau in tow... FUCK IT ALL!!!! ( she texted me!! yippeee!!! :) pathetic :) ) varsity basketball player... gud looking as hell... impressive to boot... what the hell do i have to match that?? me?? hahahaha.... :) in short, i was devastated.. shattered... fucked up as hell... it's a good thing i was young to easily forget enough the anguish.. :) fastforward one year: ever doodled a girls initials? of course you did! :) i did.. :) and thats what i did... on desks... books... notebooks... and if opportunity arises... on the blackboard.. :) so i doodled away on anything and everything... one thing i shudn't have doodle on was this stupid acetate... that was in socio clas... the teach fuckin took it from me and read it in front of the class!!! i guess it was to embarass me for doodling and not paying attention on class... ARRGGHHHH!!!!! :) i was... but it was a small consolation that she was embarassed at the end of reading it to the class since it was obviously a very personal doodle.... hahaha... serves her right for being a teacher.. :D as it goes... my chances with the girl became zilch... i guess i scared her away.. :) as u notice, each and every attempt was a failure.... :) next fucked encounter... 3rd year... scenario: last day of year-end exams... everyone was signing up for a summer swimming class trip... my name was already there... the girl i liked was hangin around waiting her turn... next scene: evening... my bedroom... my fone suddenly rings... and who is on the other end??? HER!!! :D was i amped!!! was i going? i said yes... was she going? absolutely... "i'l be wearing this cute bikini..." OHHLALALA!!! :) by the time i hanged up... i was jumpin up and down on my bed like a giddy kid... come the fateful day and wow... she wasn't there... i waited... i expected... fuck shit i overheard a clasmate say she wasn't comin... FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! to make matters worse, like the desperate pathetic kid that i was... i paged her at the and of the day... where were you? i thought you were comin? can we talk? i even wasted an hour tryin to get the courage to just simply page her... which i did, and that which i shouldn't have... conclusion: i was the receiving end of a joke... a very cruel joke... i never learned who called me but if i ever do... he/she would wish he/she was dead... seriously... and the last stupid escapade was almost 3 years ago... HS crush... cousin of one of my best buds... 1 year of movies, coffee, dinner, went to her debut, came over weekly, always chaperoned by a my bestfriend... wasted. on the very persuasive urging of a best bud... i bought a tulip... a blue one, her fav color... a friend dropped me off at her place... i waited at her door for her to open it... and she did... i pulled my arm from behind my back... i thought i ought to hide it to give it an element of surprise... i smiled... extending my hand, i offered the flower without a word of explanation... "what's that for?" was the succinct reply... caught off guard... i mumbled, "it's just something for you..." no reaction... "come in.. , my cousin is upstairs.." mezzanine floor: i asked again... still holdin the goddamn blue tulip, "umm... where do i put this...?" "anywhere..." i was dismissed... she went up to watch tv again... not a peep did i hear about the fuckin tulip... the world crumbled around me that night... i felt worse than watery shit... got shot in the head again and it hurt like hell... death would have been a welcome respite... next one: i was succesful. at the cost of a very dear friend... a bestfriend at that... i had my love... but i have to give up a bestfriend... a mistake.. never again... it was short-lived... 3 months max., surreal circumstances contributed to my achievement... a pathetic acheivement... now we're up to date: me... single... her... single... both coming from being dumped quite recently... was she pretty? GOD DAMN WAS SHE PRETTY! was she nice? an ange; couldn't have been nicer... was she interesting? watching her sleep couldn't have been more intesting than anything else... does she like me? i hope so... will she be able to love me? gaad... i don't even want to think about it.. do i like her... yes.. do i love her? i'm well on my way... is it worth my effort and time? most times, i think so... it's the expectin and the hopin that's killing me... and the waiting... it amplifies my fears... my nerves are at a breaking point... i'm vulnerable again... a single word can easily cut my heart to ribbons... i hate this feeling... this process of winning somebody's heart... there's the thrill but there is also the pain... it's driving me insane at times... do i call? do i not call? do i send her a msg? or should i not? can i say i miss her? or maybe i shouldn't... will i try to invite her out for a date again knowing i might get rejected... maybe i just won't... does she even think of me? or does she only remember me when i txt her... is she just being polite when we talk? i hope she really likes talkin to me in any case... should i take it slow? is it too slow? am i being too pushy? maybe i shouldn't be pushing it... too many questions... too many uncertainties... it's like i'm standing on on a cliff edge... bunjee cord attached to my ankles... jumping to eternity... not entirely knowing whether the rope would hold... taking me through the ups and downs of love... exhilarated... disoriented... confused... hoping against the odds that the line won't break... willing the up and down cycle to stop... finally, hopefully, i will find a get on my feet at the end.. successful... ecstatic beyond belief... feet on stable ground... mission accompished: "HOUSTON, WE HAVE TOUCHED DOWN." :)

2004-08-10T02:22:00.000+08:00

love and hate... cupid as it should really be...

love...

2004-08-10T01:10:00.000+08:00

note: writer had 3 cans's worth of alcohol in his blood stream so please be lenient about typos and grammar. he is maximizing the effects of intoxication as well a few sticks of dunhill stuck in his mouth, willing to finish this before he sobers up... gaad, m drunk :D
crazy... that is what love is... after experiencing hell last year where in one has to go through destruction... "oops, my cig snuffed out.. got a new one.... :D" of a "damn... have to relight.." friendship that was thought to be forever... he was my bestfriend... ever.. i think... we talk. we listen... we get along really well... then this girl comes along and fucks things up... not that i blame her... i mean, jeez i also fell crazily in love with her... i believed she was my soulmate... and i dropped my bestfriend like a hot potato just to be with her... it was like the plot of a crappy, cheesy filipino telenovela... imagine choosing a girl i've known for less than 2 weeks over a friend of 3 great years... stupid right? i know... but i didn't realize i then... i was too into the moment... to make the story short... my bestfriend felt betrayed, thus destroyin any chance of continuing the friendship "need a minute to collect myu thoughts... got lost e.. :D" leaving me with a girl, which i chose over a bezfrend, who would feel compelled to dump me in the next 2 months... not that she was the one who deliberately dumped me... i was the one, the gentleman.... the idiot... the one to unselfish to keep her, who broke up with her... not that i wanted to but it was for the best, i guess..., i ended up without my love and without my bestfriend... call it bad karma... and stupidity... lesson learned: never bitch over buddy... i learned it the hard way...
anyways, "wait, got to take a leak... :) " "aaahhhh... that felt good... going back to my story..." "relights another stick..." after going through the pits of hell for a few months... after nights of drownin my grief in any cheap alcohol available... here i am again... not yet wholly recovered but willingto take another stab at love... "funny... only hope by mandy moore suddenly plays in the background.. :) " thus the resiliency of the human heart... :)
on the second time around... i'm more wary... having learned never to totally leave the heart open and defenseless... "which i am not sure is good or not.. :) " i know not to take the matters of the heart too seriously thus protecting myself from another emotional meltdown... it is sad... i used to believe that when one loves... it should be with all your heart... but now.... nah... it hurts too much... unrequieted love.... it sucks... no matter how glorified it may be... "relights another stick... that's my last dunhill stick..." interestingly... it is harder to fall in love the second time around after all that pain of the first one... yet paradoxically... it is much easier to detach ones' self from one's emotions... thus "ick... chinese song... gotta change it.. now playing dare you to move by switchfoot..." making it easier for me to go through the "courting and getting to know stage" since i was a certified "torpedo" before.. :) no stress... no pressure... no fears... if it doesn't happen... then what the hell... like i really care... :) but, the fact is... i really do care... although it doesn't give me the gut-wrenching... heart-pulverizing feeling i always get after crash and burning... "cig done... movin on to lucky strikes..." aside from the ease... i am now more able to let go... what i mean is... i feel as if i am less volatile after being shot down... i doubt if i'll go nova again after a heartbreak... "hahaha... crash and burn by savage garden played... funny.. :) " il still get fucked up but now, i know how to get on my feet faster... no time wasted wallowin in my sorrows... :) "w8, listenin to the song.. :) " "fuck it... i will move on...", that's what i'd say now... :)
life is too short to dwell in one's own misery... i'd rather live it like there's no tomorrow... and so i am now... mortality is too transient to waste it on fear and hesitations... "cig done again... gaad... how many will i go through before i finish this?? :) " never miss a window of oppurtunity... no matter how small... better to take the chance of squeezin through than just sitting down watching it pass by without giving an effort in trying it... "alcohol buzz nearly gone... gotta hurry.. :) " so here i am... layin my heart on the line again... no matter how cracked and warped it is.. :) wish me luck, not that i am realy expectin anythin... :) here's to love... she'll give you a glimpse of heaven on earth but will capriciously fuck you up the next.. :) not that i am blamimg her for it... that's just the love is... :)
finis... :)

2004-08-02T02:59:00.000+08:00

a bridge spanning across distances...

friendship: bridging people beyond everything...

2004-08-02T02:12:00.000+08:00

people change... over time... it is the nature of man to do so... it is inevitable... sometimes it may be good... sometimes it may be bad... sometimes they change so much you hardly recognize them... the way they look, the way they talk, the way they are as a whole. it seems they are... totally alien...

sometimes the change is physical... a new hairdo... new clothes... new nosejob... new boobs... new nose ring... sometimes it looks great but most times it's better to just keep one's mouth shut.. :) but once the shock has passed... all is well... hopefully...

but sometimes the changes are more than skin-deep... that's when everything gets skewed... these are the people you have known for most of your life... the ones that meant a lot to you... the ones that you have fond memories of... or maybe these are the people are the ones you love to hate... the ones that gives you the motivation to excel... and hopefully eventually rub it in their face... these are the people that have left a mark in your soul... they are a part of your life... and they are who you are because of them... they are perfect pieces of the puzzle that makes up your whole existence... and when one piece is lost... the whole thing is screwed...

you couldn't care less about those sons of bitches who you'd rather see dead even if they grew an extra pair of nostrils on their butt... but when friends change... then you can't help but take notice... and sometimes be concerned...

these changes in a friend are sometimes unnoticeable... the way they now bite their lips when they are lost in thought... the way they suddenly acquire a penchant for unconsciously picking their nose in public... or the way they now say "fuck" in every other sentence... small changes... subtle changes... sometimes disgusting but nevertheless somewhat acceptable... but when your friend suddenly does a 180... it's like a sudden splash of ice-cold water in the face... shocking... unexpected... unwelcome...

now, these friends have become fiends... you feel you don't know them at all... you feel awkward... you feel uneasy... the old camaraderie is gone... replaced by a forced politeness... the connection now has static... and nothing seems to be getting through... oddly, you find yourself terribly missing that person when in fact he is just right there in front of you... somehow, it's different... somehow, there's something gone... something lost...

is it sad? yes... is it a tragedy? maybe... is it permanent? could be... is he still a friend? it's up to you... there's a line that goes like, "only two things in life are constant in life... death... and taxes..." they forget something else... the power of friendship... two people, sharing a bond, can and will stand the test of time, trials, tribulations... they will go beyond fights, rivalries, and even changes... so long as they still and will believe that nothing is more important than their friendship and that they will not let anything come between them... may that be money, girls, or career... not even if they are continents apart... because true friendship will transcend beyond mere limitations of time or space... a bridge that can span across any ocean... and across differences...

my friend, may we transcend... may we keep on believing... may we stay strong... may we be friends all through life... and even beyond death... thank you for being my friend...

2004-08-01T02:16:00.000+08:00

a picture that is truly worth a thousand words... and more...

that indescribable warm fuzzy feeling...

2004-08-01T02:01:00.000+08:00

this feeling... it's indescribable... it's incomparable... it's unforgettable... and it comes around far to seldom... :) how can one describe it? it's like a pleasantly warm, softly glowing, comforting sphere of something right in the center of the chest... somehow, it radiates and pulses softly, gently filling the body from your toes to you ears and every corner of your soul... it calms you... it soothes you... yet it empowers you... making you feel like a million... wait..., make it a gazillion bucks.... :) a natural mellow high... surreal and utterly organic... zero calories and no preservatives... plus, it's legal... :)
in this situation... words are truly not enough to describe it... it's even an injustice to this precious and cherishable emotion... :) how can one describe it... it's love... but not the all-encompassing whirlwind kind of love... it's the very unselfish, sweet, gentle kind of love... but its not only love... it's also gratitude... not the groveling, self-deprecating, ingratiating kind... but the sincere, pure, unbiased kind of gratitude... it's also pride... not the heads-up, nose-in-the-air, snobbish kind... but the subtly self-empowering kind... mixed into the melting pot of emotions is a touch surrealism... and a lot more nuances that can't easily be put into words... :) in fact, i am truly at a loss for words to flesh it out in mere letter...
how do describe it? it's like the first glorious morning sunrise you have ever seen... it's the comforting swishing sound of rustling leaves in summer... it's the soft lapping of gentle waves... it's the soft glow of the full moon on a cloudless night... it's the rushing of the cool country wind against your skin... it's the sweet earthy smell of fresh-cut grass... it's the ethereal scent of flowers in full bloom... it's the silent twinkling of the stars above... it's the brilliant flash and trail of light from a meteor... it's the soft texture of a baby's cheek... it's the happy giggling of children... it's the smell of coffee brewed in the quiet morning... it's your favorite pillow snuggled in your arms... it's the soft murmuring of the wind... it's the smile of your true love... it's the gentle hug from a loved one... it's the silence of sleep... it's everything and anything, come to think of it.. :) and more...
thank you for the small things... it's what matters most... the small things... thank you for giving a soul some respite from the madness of this world... at least for a few precious moments... this soul felt... complete... it will be truly remembered... and you people will be forever cherished...

2004-07-28T00:21:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY... :)

birthdays through the ages...

2004-07-28T00:04:00.000+08:00

     ain't it funny how one's view on birthdays change as one gets older... it's as if with every year that goes by, as we get older, our birthdays evolve... literally... :) back then, when we din't know better, all we wanted were just cakes... we din't give a rat's ass about anything else, just the cake... candle-lit, rainbow-hued icing covering it... it was a thing of beauty... but that din't stop us from sticking a finger in it for a quick taste... :) then a voice from above would say, "Don't do that, wait till the candles blown...". like we care... they'd start singing the old birthday song, you singing along lustily... then they'd go like, "blow the candles..." then little old you sucks in all the air your kiddy lungs could hold and gives them candles a good blow... along with a good splattering of spit... everyone applauds the spit-blowing... then someone asks...,"what did you wish for?" the funny thing is, you din't make a wish... nobody told you to beforehand... all they said was blow... and that you did exceptionally... :) the next thing you know, someone cutting up the cake and puts a huge slice in front of you... ahh... bliss... mmm... cake... :) that's earliest birthday memories i have...
     but then... as the years went by, one realizes the ecstasy of ice-cream... and balloons... and gifts... and streamers... and spaghetti... and hotdogs... and fried chicken... to add to the fun, you get clowns with their painted faces... magicians with their cuddly wabbits... or barney or whatever kiddie tv character your obsessed with at the moment... :) but suddenly, all these weren't fun anymore... all of a sudden, it wasn't cool to have these kind of parties... they were too childish... you need to have a mature, cool party... so you get a pool-party... complete with ear-pounding music, dips n' chips, punch, finger-food, and to complete it all... your crush most definitely has to be better... gone were the kiddie giggles and squabbles... the "stupid" birthday games... replaced by rowdy horse-playing, clumsy flirtations, dares and double-dares... the highlight of the day won't be the candle-blowing... instead, everyone's treated to the spectacle of the poor soul who is violently thrown into the center of the pool amid hoots of laughter and grins... the poor soul never had a chance... to bad he wasn't able to get his shirt, pants or shoes off first. :) ah... indeed, we were "mature"... :)
     slowly, we moved from these crazy parties with poeple we hardly know we had invited to the quieter, more sedate, cozier ambience of simple dinner parties... now, we din't have to prove how popular by basing it on the number of people who were there... nor did we feel the urge to make it the coolest party ever... now, it was quality, not the quantity, of the company you were with. surrounded by people you truly hold dear... sharing the day of your birthday... reminiscin past birthdays... soaked in love and affection from those around you... it was sublime... it was memorable... it was great...
     but still time goes on... and one day, when you realize that you are really getting older, birthdays are regarded with dread... like a bitter pill one has to swallow... you hope it goes down fast and without a problem... now, your birthday is a visible and very painful reminder that you are getting old... as in wrinkly old... :) you vainly try to forget that the fateful day is coming... you keep silent...hoping noone will remember... but, sadly, true friends that they are, they gleefully greet you, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!". then someone would inevitably ask, "How old are you?" Ouch... thanks for reminding me... :) but still you smile, ruefully... oh... well..
     and finally, cheers... here's to my birthday... another year... bitter-sweet... but still what can i do.. :) c'est la vie... :)

2004-07-26T02:06:00.000+08:00

aint it great ti be alive... :)

the humanity of man...

2004-07-26T01:09:00.000+08:00

have you ever wondered how great it is to be a human being? to be made of flesh and blood? to be able to not only think but also to introspect? to be aware of your own individuality? your own uniqueness? to laugh, to cry, to feel joy and pain, to love... and to hate... it's nice...

in fact, it's more than nice... it's orgasmic... :) in can be differnent for each and everyone of us but nevertheless... it is paradoxically still the same. like the time when we got our first kiss... utterly memorable, whether it was a good kiss or not. it doesn't matter... you still remember it... or the time you got slapped in the face, hard... it may have been painful but you sure as hell know now how to avoid getting one again... or the time when you first experienced true soul-searing grief... it hurt like it had hurt never before... you cried your eyes out... and your heart also cries along with you... but then, you learn to laugh again... "its at these times that you most feel alive...", that's what my friend says... when you are feeling the full extent of human emotions... may it be rage, ecstasy, grief, hatred, or love...

but you know what's better than a human being? it's to be a kid... to have a virgin heart and mind... to be able to see everything for the first time in wonder and amazement... its like opening a gift... you know it's for you alone, you never know what's inside it but nevertheless you can't even wait a second more to open it, guilelessly ripping away, believing that whatever is inside can only be a great gift... and is always exquisitely ecstatic over it... grinning from ear to ear... and saying,"wow... this is the best gift in the whole world... ever..."

2004-07-23T02:43:00.000+08:00

a rebirth... a new life begins...